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A Bunch of Fives So when all is said and done we translate the number of times a ball has landed in the back of a net, past and present, and somehow work out why it was so obviously going to be so and what will happen in the future!! That’s the unenviable task of our resident expert Professor Statto, Nobel Prize Winner in waiting, who’s been explaining the meaning of football life and giving comfort to his followers for years.  He’ll tell you why your predictions were bound to be wrong. He’ll tell you about the most outrageous possibilities to come. He’ll tell you…But whatever he says remember: “98% of all statistics are made up.” ~Author Unknown Professor Statto and his amazing statistics. ====================================== Previous analysis Week 15.... Week 14.... Week 13.... Week 11 - 12.... Week 10.... Week 9A Nightmare Journey Through Southern Europe Good day, All, After the Goal Drought of the Prem’s Week 14, last weekend didn’t quench our thirsts either. This time it was the home teams who were struggling. Liverpool and the Villa were both held goalless by modest opposition, and Chelsea lost at the Bridge for the second time this term. For the second week running Bolton were the unlikely top scorers, and again they did it away in the North-East. Overall we had 20 goals (previous average 27) with the results split Home 2 Draw 4 Away 4. For the first time, the goals-per-game average has dipped below last season’s, and the Home win percentage likewise. We’ve now had 12 draws in three weeks after three months at an average of two per week. Most of them have been moral victories for the travelling team: is this a sign of more teams setting out to defend and settle for a point in a tight division? Or maybe the missing crocks are to blame? If so, come back soon, messrs Torres, Zaki, Carew, Ashton, Modric, Walcott etc Top Players It was a tough week for most of the Top 20, with more than half of them failing to find a dozen points. No such problems for Patrick Ho, who continued his hot streak with 23 pts to put daylight between himself and the chasing pack led by Cockney Blue Jew, Simoscy, PMcCulloch, and the Athlone Boys. You now need 250 pts for entry to the Top Players Lounge. Recent arrivals include Man of the Month johnw, with one of the few 20s of the weekend, Obi Van Kenobi and Nigel Ball. Cementing their positions in the Top 10, lano23, Mark Taylor and Antomeno all posted 17/18 pts.Other notable performances included 20 pts for West Brom fan Ninja – he needs some good news. Toonarmi30, a keen Sunderl….only kidding – picked up a tidy 21 pts, but showing all the blokes how it’s done was Liverpool fan Laarni, with 24 pts. In the ongoing battle of the tipsters, Lawro outscored Magic Mike 16-11. Our man has had a poor run of late – he’s due a biggie anytime.
Last week, I pointed you in the direction of a dozen clubs on whom you could rely to see lots of goals, even if five of them appeared to specialise in allowing the opposition to score. Near the top of the list were two Austrian teams. I do hope someone was in their neighbourhood at the weekend and witnessed SV Salzburg’s 2-4 win and SCR Altach’s 8-1 defeat! This week, it’s the turn of the goal-shy and underachievers - teams who make Middlesbrough’s matches look like all-out attacking fiestas. I wish to emphasise here that I am not suggesting you seek out the guilty parties listed below unless you are suffering from a severe case of insomnia. Having examined 20 European leagues and the big two of South America, I think it’s fair to say there is a strong regional element in cases of what we may call Goalophobia. Northern European nations tend towards, and sometimes exceed, three goals per game. Alas, the south isn’t so lucky. Until Monday night’s defensive lunacy at Benfica and Porto (where a total of seven goals were scored in only two games), Portugal was in danger of dipping below the 2 goals-a-game mark – oh the ignominy!
Why the North/South difference? Italy is no mystery: it is still wedded to the dreadful defensively-minded catenaccio system, where pretty passes around your own half are highly esteemed, to the detriment of putting in crosses, letting one rip from 30 yards etc. France is full of managers who grew up with their 1998 World Cup-winning 4-5-1 formation. Michel Platini reckons French academies have lost the plot and are teaching their kids all those evil British habits like strength and speed. Greece looks to Italy for it’s example. As for Portugal, they’re a bit of a mystery – they have dozens of Brazilians….maybe they only get the defenders. Or is it a hangover from the economic crisis of their Communist government of the ’70s when everything was in short supply? Thank God the Spaniards have shrugged off their sub-2.50 torpor of the last two seasons. Among the Southern leagues, there are some extreme examples of Goal Avoidance. I’d love to be ‘a mole on the wall’ (copyright, K. Keegan) of the dressing room during the team talks at any of the following :
Planning a holiday in Greece? Stick to the beaches and old ruins. Kayserispor is a strange one, as the Turkish League has a respectable 2.67 average. I must do some checking on their coach, Ike McScrooge. Is it a coincidence that Fulham are the team letting down the Premier League? Manager Roy Hodgson spent too many years in Italy…. I’m pessimistic about improvements for many of these teams, as I’m sure the coaches at Xanthi, PAOK and Sporting Lisbon all consider they are doing well. Not in the table, but surely relevant, are three Argentinians – cousins of the Latin nations – including once-mighty Independiente, who beg to be included at 1.76 goals per game. Just below them are four more Portuguese clubs who also fail to reach the one-goal-every-45-mins target – and again, I emphasise, that this is not per team, it’s per game. From now on, I will look upon Middlesbrough, Stoke, and Wigan with a new respect. This exercise did help me understand though, why Sky has found it so easy to flog the Premier League to TV companies worldwide. If you were a French football fan, you’d need to look beyond your own borders for some excitement - and you’d get to see half your national team in every Arsenal game! Gone, but not quite forgotten Teams come, teams go. For every Wigan, Wimbledon, Yeovil or Wycombe who joined the Football League in modern times, a Southport, Barrow, Workington or York dropped out. There are now more than 40 ex-League clubs, and this weekend sees a curious little anniversary concerning one of them. Thames FC were League members for only two seasons. They played at West Ham Stadium, Prince Regent’s Lane, London E6 – no relation to the Hammers, other than as neighbours. On Dec 6 1930, a ‘crowd’ (I use the word advisedly) of 469 saw Thames defeat Luton 1-0 en route to 20th place in Div. 3 South. This was the smallest ever league attendance for a Saturday game. The following season, after finishing 22nd (bottom) they did not apply for re-election and left the League to be replaced by Newport County, who now themselves are gone. Be assured that one or more of today’s Prem teams will be gone in your lifetime, probably in a Gretna-style financial implosion. Best of luck for the weekend, pals. Regards, |
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