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Five Spices

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of the EPL. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the season unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 24.... Week 23.... Week 22.... Week 21.... Week 20

Groundhog Day

 

Blackburn Rovers 0 - Aston Villa 2

Villa move up to third after posting their seventh away win on the trot at Ewood Park. The Midlanders were the better team throughout and took the lead just before the half hour when James Milner cracked home a left footed finish after receiving Gareth Barry's short corner. Rovers were unable to really get themselves into the game, aside from a couple of marginal penalty appeals that didn't go their way. Aston Villa, for their part, weren't able to make the game safe until a last-minute Gabriel Agbonlahor effort but are starting to look like a very good bet for Champions' League qualification. Rovers remain in the bottom three but are very much in touch as the relegation picture gets no clearer.

 

Chelsea 0 - Hull City 0

Chelsea's shortcomings at Stamford Bridge are exposed once more as Hull take a comfortable draw. From the moment John Terry skied his effort from a couple of yards out in the first minute, this threatened to be abother bad day at the office for the Londoners and so it turned out, as their title challenge finally fizzled out. It was Hull who probably had the better chances to win, on the back of some quick counter-attacking moves, though they were let down by unconvincing finishing. Still, they've managed to arrest their slide with two successive draws and may make it to a second Premier League campaign yet. Phil Scolari's Chelsea, meanwhile, would probably be grateful just to take fourth place right now and don't really look capable of managing that.

 

Everton 3 - Bolton Wanderers 0

Everton's resurgence picks up pace once more as they cruise past Bolton at Goodison. The home side dominated from the first whistle and could have taken the lead several times over, with Tim Cahill's wild slice wide from two yards the pick of the misses, before Mikel Arteta put them ahead from the spot after Jo was brought down by Andy O'Brien with five minutes of the first half remaining. Five minutes after the interval and it was two, after Jo did extremely well to bring down a long ball and smash his effort past the despairing Jussi Jaaskelainen. Bolton came into the game a little more as the second half wore on but a second penalty, given in the last minute for a Mark Davies hand-ball, allowed Jo to put the gloss on the result his team had deserved. The Toffees continue to pressure Arsenal, and now Chelsea, for that UEFA Cup place whilst results elsewhere mean Bolton are no worse off at the end of the weekend than they were before.

 

Manchester City 1 - Middlesbrough 0

Middlesbrough's disastrous run goes on as they find debutant Shay Given in top form at Eastlands. Boro should probably have gone into the break ahead but Given produced three saves to deny Alfonso Alves as the away side started the match in determined mood. As it was, five minutes into the second half, City took the lead against the run of play when Craig Bellamy whacked home a fierce drive from the edge of the area that beat keeper Brad Jones all ends up. It was enough, once Given had denied Alves a fourth time, to take all three points and with just one loss in their last six, there's suddenly now some substance to the Mancunian nouveau riches. I feel Middlesbrough, meanwhile, must get something out of their next game, at home to Wigan, to give themselves any chance of getting out of their potentially catastrophic slump and beating the drop.

 

Portsmouth 2 - Liverpool 3

Two late goals break Pompey hearts and reignite Liverpool's title challenge. Herbert Lom-alike manager Rafael Benitez put out a much-changed side and formation at Fratton Park and his decision looked likely to back-fire as Portsmouth took the initiative from early on. On the hour mark, David Nugent gave his side a deserved lead when latching onto Peter Crouch's through ball before slotting home under Pepe Reina. His goal triggered a tactical return to 4-5-1 from the visiting coach and within a couple of minutes of Xabi Alonso coming on, Liverpool were level. I must admit, I was unaware of the element of the back-pass rule that penalises keepers from punching dangerous back-passes away (as opposed to picking the ball up) but David James was forced to concede an indirect free-kick after Peter Crouch's woeful tap-back and Fabio Aurelio spanked home Alonso's touch-back to level. Within ten minutes, Pompey were ahead again, after Herman Hreidarsson was given the freedom of the area to guide home Nadir Belhadj's flighted free-kick. Cue another substitution, with Fernando Torres replacing the embarrassed Ryan Babel, cue another defensive ricket, with Sylvain Distin giving pub-team players a bad press with a comic sequence of clod-hoppery that ended with Dirk Kuyt driving one past James from five yards out, and honours were even once more. With Tony Adams going mental in the home dug-out, there was still time for one final defensive humiliation as the long-past-his-sell-by-date Sol Campbell appeared to be more intent in hailing his taxi home than marking his man and Torres took a step back before nutting Yossi Benayoun's cross powerfully past James. The season continues in rather bonkers fashion for both these outfits but things are now very serious indeed for the South Coast club.

 

Sunderland 2 - Stoke City 0

Sunderland do their chances of survival no harm at all by seeing off Stoke at the Stadium of Light. With most of the game played out at a muscle-bound crawl, there was little on show to entice the football purist but that won't matter a tuppenny toss to manager Ricky Sbragia. Matt Etherington did his best to liven things up with a half-hour left but his swing at Danny Collins after an innocuous-looking tussle for the ball only earned him an early bath and handed the advantage to the home side. Kenwyne Jones made the most of the numerical advantage with fifteen minutes left when just about getting Andy Reid's cross past Thomas Sorensen and with Stoke visibly deflated by the goal, pub-quiz favourite David Healy popped up with the coup de gras deep into injury time.

 

Tottenham Hotspur 0 - Arsenal 0

A high-tempo, low-quality North London derby ends in stalemate. A point isn't of much use to either of these sides as Spurs look to climb out of the relegation fight and Arsenal try to maintain European qualification but it will be Arsenal who'll be the happier after playing the last hour of the match with ten men. The ever-popular Emmanuel Eboue was given his marching orders on thirty-seven minutes after lashing out at Luka Modric, having already been booked. It wasn't a good day for the utility man, having earlier seen what he thought was a goal ruled out for a perceived foul on Jonathon Woodgate. Tottenham, as you'd expect, had the better of the game after the dismissal but failed to carve out many chances and Arsenal continued to carry a threat on the break, though neither side proved able to find the net.

 

West Bromwich Albion 2 - Newcastle United 3

Newcastle take a vital win at the Hawthorns to cheer up a poorly JFK. There were fireworks from the off in this one as, with a minute on the clock, Baggy centre-back Leon Barnett provided ample explanation for his failure to regularly make the first team when making a total dog's breakfast of a routine clearance and allowing Damien Duff to steal in and give the Geordies the lead. United aren't averse to a bit of slapstick defending themselves, mind, and within three minutes Marc-Antoine Fortune left Steven Taylor sliding out of touch on his arse before finishing with authority past Steve Harper. Five minutes later and Newcastle were back in front after Ryan Taylor's volley had pin-balled back to Peter Lovenkrands to supply a potentially contract-earning finish from eight yards. That wasn't the end of the first-half entertainment, though, with Steven taylor nodding his side further ahead five minutes before half-time from his namesake's left-wing corner. With a quarter of an hour left, Fortune doubled his tally with a classy turn and finish from the edge of the area but West Brom were unable to level and find themselves still rooted to the foot of the table.

 

West Ham United 0 - Manchester United 1

Another single-goal victory as Man United continue to grind their way to the title. A recurring theme this season has been the inability of the supposed "top four" to break down massed defences and, with margins slim, United's happy knack of grabbing a single goal looks like it will be enough to see them cruise to the title quite comfortably. West Ham had been in good form before going into this one and played like a side high on confidence and with no little style, whilst Man United were passing the ball around quite nicely without really threatening to get past the Hammers rear-guard. Ultimately, a moment of class just after the hour mark from Ryan Giggs proved the difference; the winger cutting into the area before curling a right-footed effort past Robert Green. With the Mancunian defence as hard to pass as they have been since the end of last year, the goal always seemed likely to be enough and so it proved. Another one-nil win for the defending champions whilst their rivals stutter ... I could probably write these match reports a week in advance.

 

Wigan Athletic 0 - Fulham 0

Two mid-table sides play out a bore-draw to stay comfortably mid-table. I don't really have very much to say about this game (apologies to you Latics and Cottagers fans but if you watched the game, you should know what I mean). Wigan players were dropping like flies. Bobby Zamora looked in good lick all the way up to his final attempt, when he looked like a man who's failed to score in just shy of twenty matches. I think a draw was probably fair but, in all honesty, I'd given up caring by the last half an hour so I may be mistaken. If you want a proper match report, you can best go find a reputable newspaper website somewhere where journalists are paid to suffer games like this.

 

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Portsmouth 2 - Manchester City 0

Portsmouth bounce back in their first game without Tony Adams and take the points against a City side consistent only in their inconsistency. It was a fully deserved win for the Hampshire side, who could have taken the lead before they did only for the otherwise lively David Nugent to fail to convert the chances that came for him. They finally made the breakthrough with twenty minutes remaining when Glen Johnson cut in from the right to lift the ball into the top corner after his initial attempt was beaten out by Shay Given. Fellow full-back Herman Hreidarsson then put the game to bed five minutes later when he headed home Jermaine Pennant's corner from the right. Portsmouth arrest their slide to leapfrog Tottenham in the table, whilst the new Man City are still unable to put any kind of meaningful run together in their quest for global dominance.

 

Manchester United 3 - Fulham 0

Man United cruise past Fulham to tighten their strangle-hold on this year's title. A mistake from Cottagers custodian Mark Schwarzer helped the hosts on their way when he failed spectacularly to deal with a Paul Scholes volley that was truck straight at him. The keeper had a nightmare of a match and was only spared further humiliation when Aaron Hughes cleared a Dimitar Berbatov effort off the line after another calamitous fumble. The Bulgarian striker did get on the score-sheet when he found the net from a John O'Shea volley across goal, that the hapless Schwarzer once again missed, to finish off a long passing move. Wayne Rooney finished the scoring just after the hour when tapping in Park Ji-Sung's cross at the far post and with the defence as solid as ever (despite Nemanja Vidic's handball in the area that was missed by the ref), the home side were never in trouble.