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"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of the EPL. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the season unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 33.... Week 32.... Week 31.... Week 30.... Week 29.... Week 28

United's To Lose

Midweek games

Chelsea 0 - Everton 0

Chelsea's slim hopes of the title are almost certainly ended as they are held by Everton at Stamford Bridge. In the FA Cup final rehearsal, the hosts dominated possession but were unable to find a way through an Everton side defending deep and it was the visitors who probably carved out the better chances. Leighton Baines had a decent penalty appeal turned down when apparently fouled by Alex, whilst Jo twice failed to make his chances count when one on one with Petr Cech. Chelsea pushed strongly in the closing minutes but Didier Drogba's effort off the bar proved as close as they were going to get and, now six points behind leaders Manchester United, who have a game in hand, their best chances of silverware this season have to be in the cups.

 

Liverpool 4 - Arsenal 4

Liverpool are held by Arsenal in a breathless game at Anfield. The hosts, spurred on by the knowledge a win would put them two points clear at the top, started the better but found the much-maligned Lucasz Fabianski in inspired form in the first half. Arsenal, relying on rapid counter-attacks, took the lead against the balance of play when Andrei Arshavin cracked Cesc Fabregas's cross in off the underside of the bar. Liverpool were level within five minutes of the restart, through Fernando Torres's header, and took the lead when Yossi Benayoun launched hinmself bravely at a Dirk Kuyt cross. Their lead lasted less than ten minutes, however, as Arshavin scored again with a powerful drive past Pepe Reina, after having dispossessed Arbeloa, before putting the Gunners ahead once more when fabio Aurelio sliced his clearance straight to the Russian playmaker. Back came Liverpool again and they were on level terms within two minutes, as Torres grabbed a second. They continued to push for the deciding goal and were caught on the break in the final minute as Arshavin smashed in his fourth and what looked to be the decider, only to again draw level four minutes into injury time as Benayoun notched his second of the night. High drama and excellent entertainment ... not least for Alex Ferguson.

 

Manchester United 2 - Portsmouth 0

Manchester United win themselves some breathing space with a less-than-impressive, if comfortable, win against struggling Portsmouth. The away side hardly showed in the first half, allowing the Mancunians to carve out a succession of chances, though they went into the break just the one goal up after Wayne Rooney slid home Ryan Giggs's cross, ten minutes in. United took their foot of the gas in the second half and looked decidely ordinary, whilst Paul Hart brought on Jermaine Pennant for David Nugent and Pompey immediately looked to have more to offer. Glen Johnson was denied by Edwin van der Sar and Pennant turned down a glorious invitation, slipping a poor pass towards Peter Crouch when the shot looked a better option, but the South Coast side never really convinced as a real goal threat. Michael Carrick then made the game safe with eight minutes left, tucking away Paul Scholes's excellent pass, and United now have one hand and a couple of fingers firmly on the Premier League trophy.

 

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The weekend

Arsenal 2 - Middlesbrough 0

Struggling Boro succumb meekly at the Emirates to give themselves a mountain to climb to get out of trouble. Arsenal were able to extend their unbeaten run without undue exertion as Middlesbrough's hit-'em-on-the-break game plan failed to come off. Cesc Fabregas put the Londoners ahead shortly before the half hour when driving home Andrei Arshavin's pull back from the edge of the area, though the linesman would have been within his rights to flag as the offside Nicklas Bendtner appeared to be clearly standing in keeper Brad Jones's line of sight. In truth, the goal was no more than the Gunners deserved and they made the game safe a little after the hour when Fabregas was set free by Emmanuel Eboue to round Jones and slot into an empty net. Desperate times for Gareth Southgate's side.

 

Blackburn Rovers 2 - Wigan Athletic 0

Rovers move closer to safety at the expense of the out-of-form Latics. The home side largely controlled the first half but could have gone behind against the run of play, only for winger Antonio Valencia to see his driven effort crash back off the Blackburn bar. Rovers finally broke the deadlock just before half time when Benni McCarthy headed home Morten Gamst Pedersen's corner after Chris Kirkland had missed his punch. Kirkland was powerless to do anything about the second, however, the ball flashing in from Ryan Nelsen's glancing header as the Kiwi notched his first goal for the Premier League side. The second goal finally stung Wigan into life but they found portly custodian Paul Robinson in inspired form and opponents determined not to concede. Sam Allardyce's outfit may not yet be mathematically safe from the drop but, considering the remaining fixtures of the sides below them, they've put themselves in a good position to survive.

 

Bolton Wanderers 1 - Aston Villa 1

Villa's woes continue as Bolton add another point to their tally. Despite not notching a win since Brian and Michael topped the charts, the visitors had the better of a subdued first half and took a deserved lead, albeit in fortunate fashion. With a couple of minutes remaining before half time, Ashley Young swung over a cross from the left that eluded everyone and ended up nestling in Jussi Jaaskelainen's far corner. Wanderers came out stronger after the break and were level on the hour when Tamir Cohen volleyed home Andy O'Brien's knock down from round about the penalty spot. Though John Carew came closest to grabbing a winner, both sides had to make do with a point. For Villa, it moves them slightly further ahead of Everton but ends their mathematical chances of qualification for the Champions' League. For Bolton, it's another step closer to safety and a chance for Phil Gartside to renew his Old Firm lobbying in his transparent and distasteful grab for fistfuls of filthy lucre.

 

Everton 1 - Manchester City 2

City register a surprise away win that blows life back into their Europa Cup qualifying hopes. The Mancunians were good value for the win, carrying a threat on the counter attack throughout, and took the lead ten minutes before half time. A great ball from deep in his own half by Elano sent Robinho scampering away and the Premier League's most expensive player took the ball past Phil Jagielka and fired home between Tim Howard's legs. The Toffees responded strongly but were caught out again ten minutes after the restart, Robinho this time turning provider with a lovely cross-field ball to which Stephen Ireland provided a fully fitting finish. Dan Gosling pulled one back with a good strike at the death but, by then, Phil Jagielka had been forced out of the game with a cruciate ligament injury that will keep him out of the FA Cup final. Everton have had better days than this one.

 

Fulham 1 - Stoke City 0

Fulham move up to seventh as they quietly go about the business of qualifying for Europe. This wasn't much of a game for the neutral, with Stoke intent on nullifying Fulham's passing game through midfield and Brede Hangeland detailed to head away everything the Potters threw at him, both sides largely cancelled each other out. Substitute Erik Nevland lit up the game with half an hour gone when he battled through a half-hearted challenge on the half-way line before playing a one-two with Andrew Johnson and slotting past Thomas Sorensen. It was to prove enough to take the win and leave Stoke still an uncomfortable point shy of the fabled forty. Not that I really believe any side will need forty to survive this year.

 

Hull City 1 - Liverpool 3

Another defeat for Hull and their slide down the table is only halted by the inability of the sides still below them to pick up many points, either. Liverpool took the lead in controversial fashion when Javier Mascherano's earth-bound plummet was deemed worthy of a free-kick and Xabi Alonso caned home a ferocious effort at the second time of asking. Clearly suffering a case of the right old hump, Caleb Folan then did his side no favours by lashing out at (the admittedly irritating) Martin Skrtel and getting himself sent off - salt rubbed into the wound when Dirk Kuyt got his head in the way of a wayward Skrtel drive shortly after to double Liverpool's lead. Geovanni pulled one back when finishing a classy move to set up a lively last twenty minutes but Kuyt snaffled another a minute before time to put the game to bed and keep up his side's admirable, if probably forlorn chase of the leaders.

 

Manchester United 5 - Tottenham Hotspur 2

This is probably the game that wins the title, as Spurs are found wanting in the face of a second half United recovery. The home side enjoyed much of the possession in the first half only to find themselves two goals behind within half an hour. Shortly before thirty minutes were up, Darren Bent was allowed a second chance after his initial poor first touch to drive the ball past Edwin van der Sar and then, just two minutes later, Luka Modric got on the end of an Aaron Lennon cross to double the lead. With Carlos Tevez replacing the utterly woeful Nani, United looked better after the break but needed the assistance of a dubious penalty to get back in the game as Huerelho Gomes's fine work in halting Michael Carrick was wrongly penalised by Howard Webb. Cristiano Ronaldo converted and, from that point on, Tottenham wilted like a certain Brazilian striker before he discovered the pills. Wayne Rooney, Ronaldo again, Rooney again and, finally, the ever-popular-in-North-London Dimitar Berbatov struck without reply in the space of twelve minutes as the game became a procession and Harry Redknapp increasingly began to resemble an extra from Scanners on the touchline. Truly bonkers.

 

Newcastle United 0 - Portsmouth 0

Pompey edge closer to safety as Newcastle teeter on the edge of the abyss. An understandibly nervy, cagey encounter failed to produce many clear-cut chances and those that were created were spurned. For Newcastle, David James was lucky when spilling a Mark Viduka effort and Michael Owen should perhaps have done better when one-on-one with the England keeper. For Portsmouth, Peter Crouch passed up a couple of opportunities and Richard Hughes's late header came back off the foot of the post. The seven points between these sides looks a huge gap on the evidence of this match and Alan Shearer's team have it all to do if they're to make it to a seventeenth consecutive Premier League campaign. Anfield next, followed by a crucial game against Middlesbrough. It doesn't get any easier. 

 

West Bromwich Albion 3 - Sunderland 0

In a rare and touching show of regional solidarity, Sunderland do their best to give Newcastle a chance of beating the drop and are trounced by the Baggies. Albion know only wins will do at this stage of the season and survived a couple of first half chances to end up running out comfortable winners. They took the lead five minutes before half-time, when Jonas Olsson steering home Jonathon Greening's corner as the away support howled the midfielder had taken it from outside the quadrant, and never looked in real danger of relinquishing the lead thereafter. Fifteen minutes into the second half and Chris Brunt timed his run into the box well to make it two and with Juan Carlos Mesenguez notching the third with two minutes left, the Black Cats just weren't at the races. Hope flickers yet for Tony Mowbray's outfit, whilst Ricky Sbragia's side need to rediscover some belief and sharpish.

 

West Ham United 0 - Chelsea 1

Chelsea finally win a London derby this season as they edge past the Hammers. The West Londoners controlled most of this game, though their East London neighbours enjoyed a couple of good chances to take the lead in the first half, only for Keiran Dyer to be denied by Petr Cech and Diego Tristan to see his header cleared off the line by Jon Mikel Obi. Ten minutes into the second half and Chelsea finally grabbed a deserved opener, the mercilessly-barracked Frank Lampard crossing for Salomon Kalou to chest down and fire home, and could have gone further ahead only for Robert Green to deny Nicolas Anelka and Ashley Cole to crack an effort against the bar. The Hammers were then awarded a penalty after Kalou stupidly pulled back Herita Ilunga, only for Mark Noble to see his effort excellently parried away by Cech, diving to his left. United remain in the mix for a Europa Cup place, whilst Chelsea, realistically, are simply looking to ensure they qualify direct to the Champions' League group stage.