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Five Spices

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of the EPL. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the season unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 34.... Week 33.... Week 32.... Week 31.... Week 30.... Week 29

Aston Villa 1 - Hull City 0

Villa finally manage a win and it's one that leaves the Tigers with their arses hanging over the abyss. The game started at a frantic pace with both sides clearly desperate for the win, as quality took a back seat to graft and desire. The home side took the lead ten minutes before half time when City's George Boateng lost possession on the edge of Villa area. Ashley Young found acres of space on the left as his side broke quickly and his cross was nodded home by John Carew. Hull looked to be rocked by the goal and had Boaz Myhill to thank for keeping the deficit to just the one, as the keeper pulled off good stops to deny Gareth Barry and James Milner. They slowly built up a head of steam, though, and as the game reached the last few minutes were pressing with an urgency that had deserted them after that opening goal. Unfortunately for them, no equaliser was forthcoming, so it looks as if they'll be playing Russian roulette with their neighbours up the coast for the rest of this season.

 

Chelsea 3 - Fulham 1

Chelsea win the West London derby at a canter as they warm up for Barcelona. It only took a minute for the hosts to get underway; a succession of crisp passes culminating in Nicolas Anelka poking home from six yards to give his side the perfect start. Fulham came straight back, though, and were level again just three minutes later after Erik Nevland outstripped Alex before firing in a cross shot Petr Cech should probably have done better with. The Blues weren't to be denied and regained their advantage before ten minutes was up when Florent Malouda smashed home after Didier Drogba's cross had evaded the Cottagers' defence. Drogba himself had a goal wrongfully disallowed for offside before getting on the scoresheet ten minutes after half-time after being sent away by Anelka. A setback for Fulham in their hunt for European football, then, but a confidence booster for their neighbours ahead of Wednesday.

 

Liverpool 3 - Newcastle United 0

Grim times up in the North-East as United take a hammering at the hands of an in-form Liverpool. Newcastle actually started quite brightly but things began to go wrong after twenty minutes when a marginally-offside Yossi Benayoun stuck out a knee to divert home Dirk Kuyt's cross. Kuyt doubled the home side's lead with a thumping diving header just six minutes later and from then on, Liverpool laid siege to the Newcastle goal. Xabi Alonso struck the crossbar twice, before being stretchered off following a scything, airborne Joey Barton challenge that earned the recidivist berk a deserved red card, and Steven Gerrard also crashed an effort off the woodwork before Lucas Leiva headed home to give the scoreline the extra polish the Reds' dominance had deserved. Alan Shearer now has two must-win home games to come and needs to pick his side up if they are to stand any chance at all of avoiding the drop. Liverpool, meanwhile, admirably continue to exert what pressure they can on the leaders.

 

Manchester City 3 - Blackburn Rovers 1

City maintain their good home form to leave Rovers still looking over their shoulders. Blackburn set their stall out to frustrate their hosts and managed it for the first half hour, providing stiff resistance and successfully keeping City at arm's length. That changed when Felipe Caceido scuffed home a loose ball from a corner and Robinho made it two five minutes later with a sweetly-struck effort after Blackburn had again failed to deal with an Elano corner. The game was over on the stroke of half-time when Gael Givet was adjudged to have handled in the box and Elano stepped up to convert. Rovers pulled a goal back twenty minutes into the second half after Morten Gamst Pedersen had been felled in the area by Nedum Onuoha's clumsy challenge. Although Shay Given kept out El Hadj Diouf's unconvincing penalty, Keith Andrews followed up to show the Senagalese how to convert a rebound. Mark Hughes may yet lead this side into Europe, it seems. Sam Allardyce will just be grateful to end the season ahead of the cluster of North-East sides below him.

 

Middlesbrough 0 - Manchester United 2

Manchester United moved a step closer to the title after strolling to a win against a hugely disappointing Middlesbrough. With so much at stake for the Teessiders, their lack of urgency and grit was alarming and even a below-par United were comfortably able to cruise through the match in third gear. Ryan Giggs opened the scoring for the champions-elect, finding the corner of the net from the edge of the area with twenty-five minutes gone. Any fight Boro had shown up to that point (and there wasn't much) evaporated and they played out the rest of the match like a side resigned to relegation. Five minutes after the restart, Park Ji-Sung provided an excellent finish after being found through the middle by Wayne Rooney and referee Mark Halsey might just as well have blown for time then. United look racing certainties for a third successive title and Boro look equally odds-on for the drop.

 

Portsmouth 0 - Arsenal 3

Arsenal warm up for their Champions' League semi-final by qualifying for next season's competition. In truth, the result was a little flattering for a much-changed Gunners outfit, though the win was deserved. David James added to his whale-flop thick catalogue of howlers to gift the Londoners the lead, allowing Nicklas Bendtner's firm but badly-directed header to slip between his hands with less than a quarter of an hour on the clock. Pompey came back, with Peter Crouch close to poking home an equaliser but five minutes before half-time and referee Lee Mason got in on the act, pointing to the spot after Sean Davis had tackled Andrei Arshavin, despite the Russian's protestations. Portsmouth came again after the break, only to be caught on the break by Carlos Vela and when Noe Pamarot was shown red for apparently bumping into Arshavin, it just about summed up their day.

 

Stoke City 0 - West Ham United 1

West Ham move closer to Europa Cup qualifying in a closely-contested game at the Britannia. Diego Tristan broke the deadlock after half an hour with a terrific free-kick from outside the area before a flurry of controversial incidents added an edge to the match as half-time approached. Liam Lawrence tumbled in the West ham area under a challenge from Radoslav Kovac, only to recieve a yellow card for his troubles, and then the niggly Luis Boa Morte went in studs-up on Rory Delap, who aimed a retaliatory kick in response as both players were lucky to stay on the field. Stoke pushed hard for an equaliser but found the Hammers defence in good form and well marshalled by Matthew Upson. Though not mathematically safe, there's little chance they'll go down and Tony Pulis's side can probably afford to be magnaminous after this defeat.

 

Sunderland 0 - Everton 2

Sunderland go down without a fight to an Everton side who probably couldn't believe how easy they found things at the Stadium of Light. The Toffees, with an eye on their upcoming FA Cup final, nonetheless shaded the first half and were looking the most likely side to score before the break. This was borne out within five minutes of resumption when Steven Pienaar battled through to get on the end of a clever Jo reverse pass and toe-poke past Marten Fulop. The Black Cats could have pulled level, only for Tim Howard to beat out Danny Collins's powerful header, before Pienaar turned provider for Marouane Fellaini to make the game safe with a smart finish. Sunderland will have to do better than this, whilst David Moyes continues to impress and has enjoyed another successful season, no matter what happens from here on in.

 

Tottenham Hotspur 1 - West Bromwich Albion 0

The game's surely up for West Brom, now, as they slip to another defeat despite probably shading the match at White Hart Lane. They had started quite well, with Marc-Antoine Fortune looking lively, but again came up just short in front of goal and were made to pay just before half time. Vedrun Corluka was allowed to advance into the Albion half and roll the ball to Jermaine Jenas, lurking outside the penalty area, and the midfielder calmly picked his spot and placed the ball into the bottom corner. Albion worked hard to get back on terms but found Huerelho Gomes enjoying one of his better days, saw Fortune hit the post and Jermain Defoe clear Shelton Martis's header off the line. When it's not going for you, it's just not going for you.

 

Wigan Athletic 0 - Bolton Wanderers 0

All square in the North-West derby in a decent, if goal-less, game at the JJB. Wigan made the early running only for Hugo Rodallega's tough start to the Premier League to continue and the Colombian is still in search of his first league goal. It's not for want of trying and the striker forced two good stops out of Juusi Jaaskelainen before Bolton nearly took the lead against the run of play, only for Gary Cahill's volley to crack off an unfortunate Wigan defender. At the other end, Mido forced another acrobatic stop from Jaaskelainen before it was back to the Latics box, where Matt Taylor was unlucky to see his goal chalked off for offside when he looked to be level at the time the ball was played. Wanderers had the better of the later exchanges but won't be too upset with a point that very probably ensures they'll be here again next year. Wigan, clearly affected by the January sales, will in all likelihood have to forget the Europa Cup but can be pretty satisfied with their campaign this term.