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"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of the EPL. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the season unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 35.... Week 34.... Week 33.... Week 32.... Week 31.... Week 30

That's (Probably) Yer Lot

 

Arsenal 1 - Chelsea 4

Chelsea book their place in the Champions' League proper with a resounding win at the Emirates'. Arsenal started brightly but were wasteful in front of goal and found themselves behind just before the half hour when Alex thumped a header in off the underside of the bar from Didier Drogba's free-kick. Chelsea doubled their lead shortly before half time after Samir Nasri allowed Nicolas Anelka to turn away unchallenged in midfield and the Arsenal old boy advanced before rifling a swerving effort into the bottom corner from twenty-five yards. The Gunners' hopes of a recovery were dealt a mortal blow just four minutes after the restart when Kolo Toure could only divert Ashley Cole's cross past his own keeper. Despite substitute Nicklas Bendtner's towering header to pull one back, Florent Malouda restored the visitors' three goal cushion after Chelsea carved through Arsenal's soft centre, with the Frenchman finding himself in the right place after his initial effort was saved and Anelka's follow up crashed back off the near post. Something to cheer about, then, for the Stamford Bridge faithful after Wednesday night's diabolical farce, whilst unbalanced Arsenal's close season promises to be fairly busy.

 

Blackburn Rovers 2 - Portsmouth 0

Rovers banish their lingering relegation fears with an ultimately comfortable win against a Portsmouth side not yet out of the woods. The match started frenetically on a treacherous pitch with both Glen Johnson and Benni McCarthy booked within the opening ten minutes. Half an hour in and Blackburn made the breakthrough when David James bottled a challenge with the hulking Christopher Samba, leaving Morten Gamst Pedersen with a simple tap-in to open his account for the season. The hosts always looked more likely to extend their lead than concede and duly went two up on the hour when Herman Hreidarsson inexplicably handled in the area and McCarthy despatched the penalty with his usual aplomb. John Utaka then spurned two chances to get his side back in the game, first finishing tamely and off-target after rounding keeper Paul Robinson and then blapping a penalty over the stand after Keith Andrews was adjudged handling whilst blind in the Rovers sixteen-yard box. Pompey, mathematically at least, still need another couple of points to avoid the drop but will probably be safe without adding to their tally, with none of the sides below them currently looking capable of overhauling their thirty-eight points.

 

Bolton Wanderers 0 - Sunderland 0

A much-improved Sunderland are unlucky to come away with just a point after dominating at the Reebok. The Black Cats bossed the first half, especially, and could easily have been a couple of goals up at the break but for some wayward finishing from Kieran Richardson in particular. Wanderers improved after the introduction of Mark Davies after the break but Richardson passed up another glorious chance late on before Bolton almost took all three points, only to see Davies volley over after a knock-down from namesake Kevin and Marten Fulop pull off a great one-handed stop to deny Gary Cahill. The point for the home side sees them creep over the line to survival but I suspect the Mackems still need to find a point or two to be sure of playing Premier League football next year.

 

Everton 0 - Tottenham Hotspur 0

With Everton already assured of a place in the Europa Cup and Tottenham apparently not interested in taking part, the match at Goodison fizzles out like the dampest of waterlogged squibs. Tottenham's midfield missed the drive of Wilson Palacios, back in Honduras after the appalling events there, but barn-sized replacement Tom Huddlestone kept things ticking over with some incisive passing, whilst Everton buzzed with typical energy. Chances were at a premium, however, with Dan Gosling's cracking drive off the post as close as either side came to scoring and the writer got the feeling both teams decided a point would be enough as the game laboured to its conclusion.

 

Fulham 3 - Aston Villa 1

Fulham put the woefully out of form Villa to the sword as they decide they quite fancy a tilt at Europe even if their North London neighbours don't fancy it. The visitors defied the form guide with a lively start and made the first chance, only for Gabriel Agbonlahor to put his effort wide. Fulham came back; Danny Murphy's insightful distribution constantly probing Aston Villa's defence until James Milner pushed over Diomansy Kamara in the box and Murphy stuck the spot kick away. The Cottagers continued to push for a second only to be caught on the break with Ashley Young turning home Milner's cross at the far post after John Carew had missed it. Roy Hodgson's team were rewarded for their approach straight after the break, however, when Kamara produced a good finish from the edge of the area after Clint Dempsey had lost control of the ball. There was to be no second recovery from Martin O'Neill's frankly knackered-looking outfit and a second Kamara effort, from virtually on the goal-line, put the game safe with half an hour left to play. Expect both these sides to boost their squads a little during the summer.

 

Hull City 1 - Stoke City 2

Hull's tumble down the table has been spectacular and they go down this week to their gritty fellow promotees. There was nothing pretty about this nonetheless absorbing encounter with both sides adopting the Bomber Harris school of attack and Stoke, perhaps predictably, looking more comfortable with it. Shortly before half-time, Liam Lawrence's shot was deflected narrowly wide by Kamil Zayette and when Lawrence fired in the resulting corner, Ricardo Fuller found time and space to swivel and fire home. Once ahead, Tony Pulis's team gradually started to look to play their hosts on the counter and nearly went two up when Glen Whelan's powerful effort smacked back off the crossbar. Hull's luck wasn't to hold out for long, though, and Lawrence found the net with a wonderful angled drive with a quarter of an hour left to give his side an invaluable cushion. The Tigers wouldn't lie down and Andy Dawson reduced the arrears in the last minute with a great free-kick but when Geovanni's effort failed to find the net in the dying seconds, the game was up. Phil Brown's outfit now find themselves in the bottom three and time is running out fast.

 

Manchester United 2 - Manchester City 0

United grab the derby win that surely ties up their third consecutive title. City worked hard but were mostly chasing shadows during the game's early stages and the home side took the lead on round about twenty minutes. A Stephen Ireland foul on Dimitar Berbatov some twenty-five yards from goal resulted in Cristiano Ronaldo teeing up the free-kick and, as his effort squeezed through the hole Park Ji-Sung had left in the Man City wall, Shay Given completely sold himself by taking a step the wrong way and was unable to recover as the ball bounced in over his outstretched glove. Carlos Tevez thumped in a second off the post after Dimitar Barbatov had brought down Darren Fletcher's hopeful punt superbly and the game was put to bed before half-time. City showed a little more fight after the break but were largely kept to attempts from distance as United were content to conserve energy and, a flouncing, pouting, petulant Ronaldo cameo aside, the half passed largely without further incident.

 

Newcastle United 3 - Middlesbrough 1

Newcastle take a priceless win that gets them out of the relegation zone and leaves Boro looking doomed as a gerbil in a bath-house. Things started badly for United, with Tuncay Sanli weaving through the Newcastle defence within five minutes. Though Steve Harper managed to block the Turkish striker's poked effort, the ball came back and struck the covering Habib Beye before nestling in the Newcastle net. The home side took the setback in their stride and, led quite magnificently by the titanic Mark Viduka, were on level terms within seven minutes; Steven Taylor thumping a terrific header into the far side of the net from Danny Guthrie's corner. Alan Shearer's outfit were now in the ascendant and Middlesbrough's hopes took a blow when Alfonso Alves was stretchered off after a medieval challenge from Nicky Butt. With twenty minutes left, Shearer brought on Obafemi Martins for Michael Owen and within two minutes the Nigerian had put his side ahead, finding the corner of the net despite losing his footing in the area. When Peter Lovekrands produced a sensational volley to make it three with a couple of minutes left, it was just possible to discern the faint strains of Chopin's opus 35 wafting from the direction of the Boro dug-out and it's hard to see Gareth Soutgate's side surviving this.

 

West Bromwich Albion 3 - Wigan Athletic 1

The Baggies play with their fans' emotions by registering a crucial win against the deflated Latics. Albion knew only a win would give them any chance at all of beating the drop and tore out of the traps with real purpose. It took only eight minutes for them to get on the scoresheet, when marauding full-back Gianni Zuiverloon's stinging effort was only palmed out by Chris Kirkland and the lurking Marc-Antoine Fortune tucked the loose ball away. Wigan poured forward in search of an equaliser and got it when Hugo Rodellega's free-kick took a deflection off Chris Brunt and past veteran keeper Dean Kiely for the striker's first Premier League goal. Athletic took the initiative, forcing Kiely into several good stops either side of the break, but when Titus Bramble clipped Jonathon Greening in the box, Brunt was able to convert his penalty at the second attempt after substitute Richard Kingson had done well to beat out the original effort. Fortune then made sure of the result with a tidy finish from Borja Valero's cross. I still can't see Tony Mowbray's side beating the drop but have to give them full marks for giving it a go.

 

West Ham United 0 - Liverpool 3

Liverpool continue their forlorn but magnificent chase for the title by rolling over a surprisingly fragile West Ham at Upton Park. Two minutes was all it took for Fernando Torres to send Steven Gerrard scampering through the Hammers defence and round Robert Green to open the scoring and the Reds never looked back. Seven minutes before the interval, the two (sort of) combined again when Luis Boa Morte stupidly grabbed Torres's shirt in retaliation for the striker's sneaky foul and, though Green was equal to Gerrard's penalty attempt, he couldn't prevent the rebound getting back to the England man to thrash into the net. Ryan Babel converted Dirk Kuyt's cross in emphatic style with six minutes left to finish things off and make sure Alex Ferguson's outfit are going to have to work for their title. Despite United's capitulation in this on, there's plenty to be optimistic about for supporters of both these clubs ... financial storm clouds permitting.