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Five Spices

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of the EPL. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the season unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 36.... Week 35.... Week 34.... Week 33.... Week 32.... Week 31

Who's For The Drop?

 

Midweek

Wigan Athletic 1 - Manchester United 2

Manchester United take the penultimate step to the title with a hard-earned victory at Wigan. Steve Bruce's outfit clearly weren't willing to simply roll over and took a lead their attitude deserved just before the half hour. Hugo Rodallega grabbed his second in as many games, firing past Edwin van der Sar after outmuscling Nemanja Vidic. United initially struggled to impose themselves after the break but gained parity after the introduction of Carlos Tevez - the substitute flicking home Michael Carrick's wayward effort with some style. The visitors upped the pressure in search of the winner and grabbed all three points with four minutes left when Carrick fired in a much more accurate effort from the edge of the area. The win left Alex Ferguson's side just a point shy of an eighteenth league title and an eleventh in seventeen years.

 

The Weekend

Chelsea 2 - Blackburn Rovers 0

Guus Huddink bids farewell to Stamford Bridge with a comfortable win over Rovers. It took just four minutes for the Londoners to break the deadlock, Florent Malouda providing a thumping header from Nicolas Anelka's cross after Jose Bosingwa had carried the ball out of defence. In an open game, chances came thick and fast with Frank Lampard hitting the angle and Malouda seeing his dinked effort cleared off the line by Ryan Nelsen, whilst Christopher Samba probably should have done much better with a header for the visitors. Chelsea got the second their dominance warranted on the hour, with Anelka finding the corner after Didier Drogba had laid Ashley Cole's cross back to him and they could have made the result thoroughly emphatic but for several good Paul Robinson stops. As it is, Hiddink still has a cup final to try and win to leave England with a winner's medal.

 

Bolton Wanderers 1 - Hull City 1

Hull take their fate back into their own hands with a battling draw at the Reebok, though may yet rue coming up against an inspired Jussi Jaaskelainen. City showed the desire their situation demands but failed to turn their early pressure into a goal and came unstuck on the counter some twenty-five minutes in. It looked as if they'd survived when Matt Taylor's effort was charged down but the ball came out to Gretar Steinsson, who spanked his effort through a crowd of players into the far corner. Shortly after half-time and the roles were reversed. Fabrice Muamba completely mis-timed his effort from the edge of the Hull area,only succeeding in looping the ball into the air for Boaz Myhill. The keeper released Richard Garcia, who in turn found Craig Fagan and despite defender Danny Shittu looking the odds-on favourite to get the ball away, the Tigers striker managed to stick an effort past the despairing Jaaskelainen. The keeper fared much better as the visitors pressed for a winner, pulling off one exceptional stop to deny Daniel Cousin and another good save to prevent Fagan heading his second. Phil Brown's side may, in truth, already have done enough to beat the drop but a win against the newly-crowned champions in their final game would ensure a second top flight campaign for a team who waited so, so long to get there.

 

Everton 3 - West Ham United 1

Everton start their Wembley warm-up by dismantling ten-man West Ham at Goodison. The Toffees got onto the front foot from the whistle, with the Hammers backpedalling as they tried to contain them. Sure enough, it was United who took the lead against the run of play when Radoslav Kovac was given time some thirty-odd yards from goal to leather the ball past the poorly-positioned Tim Howard. Their lead lasted less than a quarter if an hour, though, with James Tomkins receiving a harsh red for a mis-timed challenge on Tim Cahill and Louis Saha tucked his penalty in the acres of space Robert Green had given him to the keeper's left. Any hopes the Hammers had of being able to get anything out of the game largely disappeared two minutes after the restart when their back-line allowed a corner to travel across the box, where an unmarked Joseph Yobo collected and drilled home. Stephen Pienaar then created the third, beating Jonathon Spector down the left before squaring for Saha to tap home his second. West Ham's Europa Cup hopes are now dashed but confidence among this Everton side is soaring.

 

Manchester United 0 - Arsenal 0

United grab the point they need to celebrate a third consecutive Premier League title as Arsenal fail to find a way through. In truth, the Gunners probably shaded this one on style points but, as so often this season, their play often flattered to deceive and the United defence were never really put under an extended spell of pressure. It mattered little, however, either to the Old Trafford faithful, the remarkable manager or this latest squad of players come the final whistle, with a record-equalling eighteenth title in the bag. Had Cesc Fabregas's late effort gone in rather than come back off the post, we may still have had some excitement at the top of the table for the final weekend of the season. As it is, we'll have to be content with Hull (presumably) taking their game to the new champions in their attempt to beat the drop and, as booby prizes go, it's not at all a bad one.

 

Middlesbrough 1 - Aston Villa 1

The dead men walking of Boro draw out their demise by taking a point at home to Villa. In fairness, Boro did more than enough to win this game but once again left a pitch this season with less than they probably deserved. The hosts were lively from the start and went ahead through Tuncay Sanli's acrobatic overhead kick on the quarter hour. Just as things were looking hopeful, Stuart Downing was stretchered off after a clumsy challenge by Stilian Petrov and the Villans slowly got themselves back into the game. The visitors came out far the stronger in the second half and were level after ten minutes when John Carew was given too much space to latch onto a loose ball in the area. Gareth Southgate's side pressured with the desperation of the damned but to no avail and they are, surely, on their way to the Championship. In the meantime, it's hard to know quite what to make of Aston Villa, who's pre-Christmas Jekyll and post-holiday Hyde leaves their prospects hard to call. It's possible their season may end with them known mainly for relegating Newcastle next weekend, which would be a shame after a pretty decent campaign. Then again, such is their form, they may not manage that.

 

Newcastle United 0 - Fulham 1

The slope gets just a little slippier for United after losing their last home game of the season. With so much hanging on the game against Fulham, Newcastle's first half performance was one of a horribly nervous group of players with little sense of anything like a game plan between them. Those nerves could have been settled after fifteen minutes, only for Obafemi Martins to see his effort cannon back off the post, and subsequently got worse when Diomansy Kamara side-footed home after Erik Nevland broke onto a superb Danny Murphy through-ball five minutes before half time. Things got no better for Newcastle after the interval, with Mark Viduka's thunderous header chalked off due to some goal-line naughtiness from Kevin Nolan and Sebastien Bassong then sent off for tripping Kamara when the last man. Mark Schwarzer's fine save to deny Nicky Butt in the last minute of the game meant Alan Shearer's side dropped back into the relegation zone and even a win in their last game against Aston Villa may not prove enough to save them.

 

Portsmouth 3 - Sunderland 1

Defeat at Fratton Park leaves Sunderland vulnerable to a last-day-of-the-season plummet as the North-East four prepare to slug it out. A mostly torpid first half came and went with both sides hitting the post once and Kieran Richardson continuing his skeet shooting antics of recent weeks to terrorize any passing gulls. The game exploded to life fifteen minutes into the second period when Calum Davenport charged out of defence and found Kenwyne Jones with a cross the striker couldn't fail to nod into the net. Back roared Pompey and they were level within a minute when John Utaka picked up a loose ball and advanced before shooting past Marten Fulop. Within ten minutes, Portsmouth were ahead. Anton Ferdinand aimed a comical air-shot at a long hump up the park from Asmir Begovic and Utaka, latching onto the ball, was only prevented from doubling his tally by the desperately-covering Phil Bardsley obligingly scuffing the ball into his own net. The Black Cats huffed and puffed to get back into the game but, after Jones had spurned a glorious chance to head them level, ultimately succumbed to a sucker punch when Utaka sent Armand Traore away to finish things up. Ricky Sbragia's boys now need to beat Chelsea to be sure of staying up. They'll be hoping the Londoners have at least one eye on that Wembley date. And cheering for Villa, just in case.

 

Stoke City 2 - Wigan Athletic 0

Stoke post a comfortable win at fortress Britannia to move up to a laudable eleventh in the table. The first half contained little to write home about, other than a bulleted Rory Delap throw-in that Richard Kingson only failed to get an Enkelman-esque touch on before it nestled in the back of the net. With twenty minutes to go, though, Ricardo Fuller chased one into the Wigan area and, after barging through half-hearted challenges from three of the Wigan back four, smacked the ball into the net. The second came seven minutes later, after Matthew Etherington had bravely beaten the advancing Kingson to a through ball to hang the ball up at the far post and James Beattie did the rest. Say whatever you like about Stoke's approach to the game, they are going to finish between tenth and twelfth in a division hardly anybody gave them a chance in and deserve to be lauded for that achievement.

 

Tottenham Hotspur 2  - Manchester City 1

Spurs win the battle of the season's big-spending under-achievers to very little interest anywhere outside North London, Greater Manchester and the United Arab Emirates. Tottenham approached the game in lively fashion and their open, attacking football was capped by an audacious back-heeled opener for Jermain Defoe after half an hour. With Mark Hughes's time in office running down at high tempo, the manager threw on a couple of substitutes on the hour and was rewarded when they combined for the equaliser; Benjani Mwaruwari nodding down for Valeri Bojinov to whomp home. City were suddenly looking the side most likely but, with time running out, referee Mark Halsey's six-million-dollar-man optical hardware spotted Micah Richards falling on Fraizer Campbell when nobody but Harry Redknapp saw anything untoward and Robbie Keane put away the winner from the spot. If it proves the moment that got Hughes sacked, he'd have grounds to grumble but, given his lengthy record of graceless post-match comments about referees in particular, he might find sympathy in short supply.

 

West Bromwich Albion 0 - Liverpool 2

The Baggies finally go down but not before giving runners-up-in-waiting Liverpool a good old game for their money. In fact, Albion bossed this game and were desperately unfortunate to come away with nothing as they managed to shoot themselves in the (collective) foot once again. On top for the first half hour, Shelton Maris lost concentration as Liverpool obligingly played the ball back to their hosts after a hold-up for treatment. Maris evidently believed he'd be given time to clear but Steven Gerrard closed him down quickly, nicked the ball and dinked a fine finish over the committed Dean Kiely. Despite the setback, West Brom should have been given the chance to go level, only for Martin Atkinson (sadly inequipped with Halsey-esque peepers) to wave away their appeals after Marc-Antoine Fortune was clearly fouled in the box by Lucas Leiva with the goal gaping. Indignity was once more compounded by incompetence just after the hour when Dirk Kuyt was allowed to stroll unmolested to the edge of the area before sending a good finish into the bottom corner. Will the Albion be back again the year after next? I wouldn't bet against it.