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Five Spices

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." (Alan Shearer) And our Chairman Damon can never be said to be one to make unfair criticisms.

Harsh, but fair, our Chairman dispenses his trenchant, pithy post match analysis of the overpaid heroes and goats that make up the “Happy Band” of Euro 2008. If you're in the prawn sandwich and skim latte club, or part of the "Dippy Darling" brigade this column is not for you!!

Who's hot? Who's not? Who's left their bottle at home? Watch this space carefully as the tournament unwinds.

Previous Analysis :

Week 5.... Week 4.... Week 3.... Week 2.... Week 1.... Round 4

Got nothing on me Mister Magoo, I could never see for a good goddamn.

Arsenal 1 Hull City 2

The surprise result of the weekend saw the new boys turn over the Gunners at home. Arsenal had the visitors chasing shadows for the first half-hour of the match but, as is so often the case, largely flattered to deceive and failed to carve out many clear chances. Ironically, when the breakthrough finally came at the beginning of the second period, it owed very little to beautiful football, as Theo Walcott's ball into the box bounced off Emmanuel Adebayor's shin to the lurking Cesc Fabregas to force the ball home via Paul McShane. Hull's reply ten minutes later was rather better: Geovanni cutting in from the left before sending an unstoppable drive into Manuel Almunia's top left-hand corner from thirty yards. A scant four minutes later and Hull were ahead, after Daniel Cousin lost his marker to head home Andy Dawson's corner, and suddenly Arsenal were forced to vainly chase a game they clearly expected to win comfortably. One point is now all that separates these sides in the Premier League table.

Aston Villa 2 Sunderland 1

Villa move into third after coming from behind to see off Sunderland in a high-speed encounter at Villa Park. Djibril Cisse put the Black Cats ahead in the tenth minute with a crisp first-time finish from Steed Malbranque's through ball but the home side's response took only eight minutes in coming. Ashley Young, brought down some twenty yards from goal, stepped up to take the free-kick himself and found a gap at Craig Gordon's near post after team-mate Martin Laursen had created a gap in the defensive wall. Roy Keane would not have been pleased. On thirty-three minutes, he was probably livid. Young again stepped up to try his luck from a set-piece only to smack his effort straight into the wall. However, with the defending side slow to react, Stylian Petrov was able to get onto the loose ball and drive a cross into the box that John Carew converted with a nifty back-heel. The pace of the game proved too much for linesman Andy Williams, who had to be substituted, knackered, at half-time but, despite no let-up in intensity, there were to be no further goals in the second half.

Everton 0 Liverpool 2

The 208^th Merseyside derby won't go down as a classic – in fact, it was a stinker – but Liverpool will be overjoyed with the three points that keep them on level terms with Chelsea at the top of the table. The opening forty-five minutes passed with Liverpool seemingly content to play keep-ball in the middle third whilst Everton chased after it, with neither side looking interested in anything as mundane as finding the net. With nothing of note having happened in the first half, the game had bore-draw written all over it until Robbie Keane chased down an over-hit Xabi Alonso ball just before the hour mark and managed to cross from the bye-line. With the Everton defence having switched off expecting a free-kick, Fernando Torres was able to steal in unmarked and despatch a crisp volley under Tim Howard to give the reds the lead. Three minutes later and he doubled his tally after Phil Jagielka's excellent tackle on the ADHD-afflicted Dirk Kuyt fell to him to send a powerful finish into the roof of the net. The Toffees were never likely to get back into it and saw their remote chances fade further ten minutes from time when Tim Cahill was handed a harsh red card after a reckless challenge on Alonso and they are still looking for their first home points of the season.

Fulham 1 West Ham United 2

Gianfranco Zola's spell as boss in the East End starts with two straight league wins after West Ham nick all three points at Craven Cottage. The match started with Fulham dominating possession and the visitors looking lively on the break, though was also marred by some surprisingly niggly challenges from the home side. Andrew Johnson, in particular, should have been sent off for an appalling challenge on left-back Herita Llunga which could easily have left the Congolese loanee with a broken leg but John Paintsil and Paul Konchesky were also guilty of following through needlessly. The Hammers took the lead just before the break when Mark Schwartzer made a dog's breakfast of a Matt Etherington cross, palming the ball to Carlton Cole to stick into the net from a couple of yards, and doubled their led just two minutes later when Etherington beat the hapless keeper in a foot race to Mark Noble's through ball. There was then just enough injury time left for Johnson, who clearly didn't fancy playing ninety minutes, to finally get his marching orders after a late tackle on Lucas Neill. The Cottagers were thrown a life-line after an hour, when referee Andre Marriner harshly adjudged Neill to have handled with intent in the area, and Danny Murphy converted the penalty with conviction, but they were to come up just too short. West Ham, meanwhile, have started the season well on the pitch ... even through they may need to start passing round the collection plate to settle matters off it.

Manchester United 2 Bolton Wanderers 0

A ludicrous penalty award at Old Trafford helped United see off their near neighbours and keep pace with the pack. Wanderers started intent on taking the game to their hosts and were causing problems in the early stages before the home side slowly started to take control. Pushed ever-steadily further back, the Trotters were nonetheless successfully frustrating the defending champions until the master of the ghost penalty, Rob Styles, decided it was time to intervene. J'Lloyd Samuel took the ball cleanly off a threatening Cristiano Ronaldo with a perfectly-timed challenge in the Bolton box in full view of the referee. Ronaldo went down (well, of course, Ronaldo went down) but without appealing for a penalty (well, of course, without appealing, as he'd been cleanly tackled) and the only person out of the seventy-five-odd thousand at the ground who thought, “penalty!” was the soon-to-be-reffing-a-division-or-two-lower mister Styles. Ronaldo, consummate professional that he is, drove the penalty home and Bolton were deflated. Fifteen minutes later and Wayne Rooney, on from the bench, curled in a peach of a second goal after dummying his marker in taking Ronaldo's smart back-heel to confirm a deserved victory but all the fall-out from this game will concern that penalty.

Middlesbrough 0 West Bromwich Albion 1

The promoted sides this year are determined not just to spend a season making up the numbers and the Baggies pick up an invaluable three points at the Riverside. Worryingly for Boro, this season has a whiff of 96/97 about it, with the side not picking up the points their performances in the matches so far would appear to warrant and they really need to start making possession count. This match was ultimately decided by Jonas Olsson's scrappy goal; Ross Turnbull flapping Jonathon Greening's corner straight to Ishmael Miller to turn back across the six-yard box to the lurking defender and, for all their effort, Boro weren't able to draw level. That's not to belittle Albion at all, who gave it everything for the full ninety minutes and have managed the start to the season their ambition deserves to find themselves in tenth at the end of Saturday.

Newcastle United 1 Blackburn Rovers 2

The storm clouds continue to roil over St. James's after short-term manager Joe Kinnear watches his temporary charges come a cropper at the hands of Blackburn. Blackburn thoroughly dominated the first half and went into the break deservedly two goals up, even if the first of that brace probably shouldn't have stood. Christopher Samba looked to be offside when Carlos Villanueva slung in a free-kick round the half-hour mark but was allowed by the linesman to continue his run on the blind side of the defence and plant a good diving header beyond the exposed Shay Given. There were no doubts about Blackburn's second, though, with Roque Santa Cruz climbing in trademark fashion to head Brett Emerton's cross back across the keeper into the far side of the net. Newcastle came out for the second half showing a lot more conviction and spirit, though, and got back into the game five minutes after the restart when Ryan Nelson inexplicably ran through Michael own in the box. Owen took the kick himself and made no mistake but, despite a swashbuckling effort, the home side were unable to grab the point they perhaps deserved and another week of gloom in the North-East awaits.

Portsmouth 2 Tottenham Hotspur 0

Portsmouth recover after a torrid week to pile more misery on Spurs. Having shipped ten goals in their last two games, Pompey came out of the blocks looking for redemption and would have been glad to be up against a Tottenham outfit looking ragged, disjointed and low on confidence. It was always just going to be a matter of time before the home side took the lead and they duly did in the thirty-fourth minute, after Jermaine Jenas’s unnecessary hand-ball in the area gave Jermaine Defoe the opportunity to rub his previous paymasters’ noses in it. With the willing Roman Pavlyuchenko utterly isolated up front, chances were few and far between for the visitors, though they should perhaps have been awarded a penalty when Lassana Diarra appeared to block an Aaron Lennon cross with his arm. When you’re struggling, though, everything appears to aspire against you and twenty minutes or so into the second half, Portsmouth were two up after Heurelho Gomes was only able to parry Arnand Traore’s venomous drive up into the air, from where it was nodded into the unguarded net by Peter Crouch. So Portsmouth back on track and worrying times at White Hart Lane.

Stoke City 0 Chelsea 2

Chelsea go back to the top of the table after Arsenal's slip against Hull. Chelsea were totally in control throughout the first half, with Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack in imperious form, and finally took the lead when Jose Bosingwa raced onto Lampard's floated return ball to smash a shot across Thomas Sorensen which clipped Andy Griffen on the way in. Shorn of the long-throw threat of Rory Delap just before kick-off, Stoke were finding it hard to make chances and were probably pleased to be able to go into the break only one down. They came out for the second period with much greater intent and, after a couple of Chelsea near-misses, slowly started building a head of steam which resulted in John Mikel Obi having to clear off the line from Leon Cort's header. There was, understandably, a visible difference in quality between the sides, though, and the home side were finally undone with fifteen minutes remaining. Bosingwa's wicked cross from the right had defender Cort in all kinds of problems and when the big centre-half could only kill the ball a yard away from him, Nicolas Anelka pounced to find the far corner.

Wigan Athletic 2 Manchester City 1

Wigan continue to impress this season and were worthy winners against the Premier League’s latest lottery winners. In a lively game, it was the home side who took the lead just after the quarter hour when winger Antonio Valencia unleashed an unstoppable twenty-five yard drive after City had failed to fully clear a free kick. It only took the visitors four minutes to draw level; Vincent Kompany not knowing an awful lot about Elano’s fizzing, driven free-kick as it bounced in off his knee from about three yards out but happy enough to claim the goal, all the same. Twelve minutes after that and the game threw up yet another arguable refereeing decision. Wilson Palacios chased a loose ball into the Man City box and appeared to be clipped by the recovering Javier Garrido, resulting in a spectacular triple salto with pike and accompanying vocals. Not swayed by the outrageous over-acting, referee Steve Bennett pointed to the spot for what was probably the correct decision (though a sterner judge may also have booked Palacios for his ‘Saving Private Ryan’ audition) and Amr Zaki gratefully belted home his fifth of the season to win the game.